TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from place. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, confident, let's have One more area the place American Guys can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he really should cease making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a function currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "When you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting consideration from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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